Self-Love Is Not the Reward
With Valentine’s Day this week, I was reminded of how all the love we express to the world truly stems from the love we show ourselves. Without it, we can’t fully pour out love to those around us. We can’t compartmentalize it, regardless of how hard we try.
I see so many women view self-love as the reward. Get all the to-do’s done, jump through the daily hoops, send the emails, lose the weight, get rid of the wrinkles or blemishes… and then I can take time to love myself. But that is unsustainable. It’s backwards. It’s not how we were created to exist.
Self-love must be the starting place, not the reward. Let me say it again. Self-love must come first, before any of the other stuff. Before the smoothies, before the workout routines, before the work schedule, before the to-do lists, etc. Because when self-love is your foundation, all of those things flow out of it effortlessly.
I’m not saying that smoothies or exercise or all the things you want to get done in a day are inherently “bad”. Not at all! But when you come at them with the mindset that self-love is on the other side, that’s where you’re missing the mark. I want to suggest a different way. You see when you start with self-love, all of those things become an expression of that love, rather than a means to achieve it.
While this is a topic that deserves a lot more conversation and depth, for today, I’ll leave you with a few practical ways to begin this journey toward building a foundation of self-love.
1. Start your day with intention
Regardless of your schedule or lifestyle, how you start your day is a star player in how you experience the rest of it. There is nothing more loving than prioritizing what brings you life first thing in the morning. It communicates to your mind and body that you are the priority. What that looks like for each person is different. For some it may be a cup of coffee and some quiet time, for others, it may be going for a walk or getting to the gym, or it may be playing with your kids and giving them your undivided attention before they head off to school. Whatever fuels you (and I mean actually fuels you, not just what you think you need to be doing), carve out even 10 minutes of your morning to communicate to yourself that you are worth a loving start to the day.
2. Practice some extended self-care
What is one thing you can do to extend your self-care routine? It can be so simple! For me, I love adding in a quick dry brush before I hop in the shower, or adding the extra step of a face mask to my evening skin-care routine once a week. For you, it may be taking 3 deep breaths before you step into the office or sitting down for breakfast instead of eating on the go. These acts of self-care, big or small, communicate to our body that we have the time for it. And when you communicate this to your body regularly, I promise that you’ll begin to believe it, too. What you tell your body is incredibly powerful when it comes to how you view yourself.
3. Eat Real Food
This one can be tricky because many of us can easily fall into the trap of thinking that what we eat determines how much we get to love ourselves. I’m suggesting that we eat nourishing food out of a love for ourselves and our bodies, not the other way around. This will take a lot of practice and frequent reminders that nourishment is a result of self-love, not a prerequisite. I want to mention that I know this area of food is very complex and nuanced for a lot of women, so if you notice yourself slipping back into negative habit loops or fear around food, I highly encourage you to take a step back and try focusing on one of the other steps listed here to start. This is not something to get regimented or restrictive with, it’s another opportunity to communicate deep love to yourself. But remember, the love comes first!
4. Connect to Your Breath
An underrated act of self-love is reconnecting to the thing that grounds you — your breath. This simple practice brings you back to yourself and has the power to completely shift your focus inward, away from the noise. Whether you have 2 minutes to do a quick breath-work practice in between tasks or you have the time to sit down for a full 20-minute guided meditation, the principle remains the same. It’s more than just getting “zen”, it’s a way to reconnect to yourself in the midst of all that’s going on around you. It’s a way to recenter and reground your mind, body, and spirit. And connection births love.
5. Get to know your inner child
This one definitely takes more time than most of the other practices I’ve talked about, but it is undoubtedly one of the most effective ways to foster a loving relationship with yourself. Your inner child is the little you within — the vulnerable, innocent, not-always-rational little you with thoughts and feelings that aren’t always easy to express. It’s a part of ourselves that gets shut down as we grow up, but it’s a part that needs and deserves tender love and care even throughout our adulthood. When you build a relationship with this little you, it’s hard to approach yourself harshly or with shame and guilt around your needs. Instead, you grow compassionate toward yourself, recognizing that there is that little girl within, so deserving of love.
How many of us, if given the opportunity to meet our younger selves, would go off about why she ate that pasta or why she hasn’t been working out or didn’t get to her work emails on her day off…? My guess is none of us. And yet we are so quick to go there with our adult selves, even when the little us inside is still present. As I mentioned, this is an area that will take time (read: years, if not a whole lifetime…) and effort and maybe even some outside guidance, but it is worth every ounce of effort and then some, I promise. You cannot get to know the little you and not realize that she is so worthy of love.
So how can you begin to foster a foundation of love for yourself this week?
While I think this is a topic I’ll revisit and expand on in the future, for now, I hope these thoughts encourage you to gently shift your perspective to one of grace for yourself. And that from there, you would allow the rest to flow freely.
xo,
Audrey
